A letter of resignation – Yours Sincerely, Whore

How does a whore let her clients know that she’s no longer an escort?

Kinda weird but i was just honest and said that i had decided to give a relationship a go.

I think i did this partially for two reasons; one to let them know that there was another male on the scene; so don’t mess me about – and disappear as fast and with as little fuss as you’d like me to spur your relationship with your wife and; two because the majority of the time near enough all of them asked me why i didn’t have a special someone in my life.

All of them gave warm and genuine response and said that my new gut was very lucky.  Odd really because which man, when considering the perfect attribute in a woman would choose a hooker?  Just goes to show that men’s brains really are in their trousers as by default they thought about how my new boyfriend would have exclusivity to red hot fucking on-tap with me and ‘that body’ of mine.

…no, to be fair, these men, despite fucking around behind their wives’ backs, they took the time to be nice and show a genuine interest in me.  They were kind and never disrespectful toward me and i’ll always appreciate that.  Because they saw me as vulnerable, whether that be true or not, i think they felt needed and that fulfills a lot in a man, even more than sex.  For that reason, i was sad to say goodbye to these men even though i was so happy to be walking away from escorting.

I hadn’t realised it at the time but getting out of escorting is one of the hardest things to do; you become reliant upon it.  I am so grateful to have found a reason worth making me take that step.

So, for the first time in a long time, here i am ready to start a relationship and the butterflies just fluttered in my tummy writing that.  If i’m honest, i’m scared…

 

 

Advertisements

Counselling – and all that shit…

So, i’ve been having counseling for a month now.  It’s your doctor’s way of trivialising everything they can’t find an answer for.   If childhood issues were a common denominator for migraines then everyone would have them.

I kinda had thought it would work to ‘shake’ what i thought might be some ‘negative’ thinking … turns out that i think quite realistically about some negative shit.

So, nothing wrong with my thinking – the problem is with the shit that’s happened in my life.  The shit that’s happened hasn’t been caused by me, so i’ve no control over it – so really, in essence, what the fuck am i going to get out of talking about it!

Okay, so it could have caused me to thinks or feel badly about myself.  No.

Maybe it caused hurt and made me behave in ways that were harmful.  Yep – deffo been hurt, that’s normal…in fact, i think i’d more likely need counselling if i didn’t feel hurt, we all feel hurt by things in life at times.  “Behave in ways that are harmful”; well i guess i have walked away from relationships when i’ve seen the red flags and i’ve been clear on what i need and expect in a relationship and realistic about what i think will work; i’ve had a couple of years of being single to work though my thoughts…this ‘behaviour’ has meant that i’ve not had a relationship for a while.  While some may like to think that i purposefully ‘behave’ in a way that pushes relationships away because i ‘fear’ commitment, the much less dramatic truth is that i’ve learned from the past and i’m applying what i’ve learned to make my future brighter.

So really, i can’t see what could be achieved by counseling.

I do often feel that those around you, when they see you reasoning quite confidently, albeit clinically and strategically through life, they get uneasy.

Ohhhhh, she’s void of emotion.

She’s so harsh, she must be angry.

She’s hiding how she really feels.

This is her way of coping.

What the fuck!  Get a grip, life is simple – not easy, that’s different.  However, from a no-bullshit perspective, if we were all completely honest, and cut out the shit, there would be a lot of nob-heads out there without a barrage of excuses to hide behind.   Feeble assholes provide excuses for nob-heads and when you act clear cut they get scared and try to mystify things again by suggesting that you maybe have a problem…maybe you need ‘help’.

The truth is, these assholes can’t stand ‘clear-cut’ because it doesn’t allow them excuses for the ‘nob-heads’ in their lives who are very often their husbands, partners, sons or…whoever!  The truth is, they are happy to carry on playing happy nob-hole families.

The fact is, don’t try to sooth your insecurities by taking what is actually a strength of mine and turning it into a ‘problem’.  I’ve worked hard to arrive at my no-nonsense, clear cut approach and to rid myself of the nob-heads in my life – just because you’re too weak and want to remain an asshole – don’t expect me to subscribe to it.

Sometimes i just don’t feel that i relate to the human race at all.  It’s like, if you can’t make up excuses for how pathetic they are, then you can’t be sympathetic and understanding of how hard life is.

One thing counseling has taught me is that i have high standards.  I’m not stating that because i want a trophy, ‘m saying it because it’s relevant t feeling detached to society.  When you have high standards you also have high standards of others; you want to give them a chance and an opportunity.  You expect them to have the same standards as you.  The problem with that is, the majority don’t and you feel let down – A LOT.  This makes you feel pissed off and left with that ‘are you for fucking real’ feeling.  You look back to those amazing people in your life – high expectations become the ‘norm’ and so amazing is ‘superhero’…everyone is substandard.

I’m thinking of that most amazing person right now!

What do women really want from men…

Does being single and completely unable to find a current living example of a respectful and decent man mean that i don’t have a clear idea of what a woman truly wants?

I think that this means that i have a very good idea of exactly what it is that a woman seeks in a man.

I think a woman that’s with a man is likely with him not because their relationship is successful but because she has learned to be disappointed.  Therefore, i don’t think she can be looked upon to have a strong view of what it is that women want from a man.

Again, there are the few exceptions to the rule as always.

However, my vision of what a real man should be is so uncompromisingly clear that i’m willing to practice what i preach about cutting back their shit and saying ‘do-one’ at the first hurdle if  i know that they’re just not going to meet the mark!

It’s as simple as that.  Your shit is not tolerated; not now; not ever.

A while back, say about 7 months ago, i started to think, maybe what i am looking for, me in my ruthless no-nonsense manner, that the right guy would be the type of man that would be the most amicable and least ‘sociopath’ in the whole ‘break-up’ domain.  I though this simply because i felt that relationships end…or maybe because, if i’m to be brutally honest, most men tend to leave women on the whole ‘i’m just not happy, i need to be happy but i’ve really met someone else and am actually fucking her’ grounds … kinda thing.

So, if you have a child with them, were brave enough to marry them (or whatever, my brain actually can’t compute to write that- but blahhh)  you know that you’re coming out with something.  It’s only fair.  You want a dad to your child that is supportive in all ways because i know i’m enough of a tough bitch to be wanting to move on and the last thing you want is a total dickhead of a nob-rash making it impossible because i’m far too clever not to fuck him over big time if he tries to even think that he can swan off into the sun-set and then stop me from doing the same.  Plus, you don’t want to be starting again with nothing; not just because of the sheer financial and technical aspects but because of the whole emotional regression that comes with that.

So yeah, choose a guy whose not a total heartless bastard.  I know it’s hard to tell, especially at the beginning but i think the key thing here is ’empathy’  … empathy is not as completely mythical as it is abstract, although it may seem like it when we try to fit it into the context of  guy, especially if you’re going for like a really big butch massive one – EVEN if your taste is in giants, you still have to look for empathy.  I mean, think about the BFG, the Big Friendly Giant, for example…actually, no, don’t, i’m really trying too hard to bring this paragraph full-circle but i’m too tired and – whatever!

Anyway, my point is this, empathy is the ability to see things from the perspective of others; to to be able to think about how others may think and/or feel about something and to then change or do something differently to consider them or even feel differently as a direct consequence.

Obviously empathy is also about expression and so it can take time and so it’s often worth giving a guy a chance.  However, a dickhead is a dickhead plain and simple to see from the start and they are about as empathetic as a horseradish. Leave those to the women who are happy to be ‘disappointed’…they will be very happy indeed. Before i get flack for dismantling women who choose to marry a horseradish with comments such as – we never know their plight – i mean, seriously… a horseradish.

I mean i look at my first long term relationship of all those years, he was the most amazing man with bags full of horseradish…no, being serious…with so much empathy.  Even if he didn’t have very much emotional intelligence in other capacities, as a lot of men don’t, his abilities translated into kindness and thoughtfulness and this resonated as trust. In those nearly 20 years together as childhood sweethearts we never once had the issue of arguing over insecurity.

It was bliss and, little did i know at the time, an opulent rarity.

I wanted to say that the trust never truly existed that all those years it was  actually misplaced but very rarely is such a genuine emotion such as empathy ever a lie.  People just don’t stop giving a shit and become a monster although to me it seemed that this was what had happened over night.  There’s always a reason and his was cocaine.  Neither of us had even smoked a cigarette before that time and the truth was my beautiful boy hadn’t stopped caring – he’d died.

Watching a loved one lose their empathy is more heartbreaking and devastating than watching them lose their life.

I want to tell you that anything can be fixed in life, all apart from death.  Life is wonderful.  Yes, it’s such a shame when life teaches you that the only one thing that a woman should look for in a man is someone who will be amicable with her when he inevitably leaves her.

I lost my father to addiction as a little girl and i watched the most beautiful man ever perish to it also.

I feel like a fucking warrior and i can’t help it – i almost want to feel sadness, like i’m urging my soul to bare it’s wounds so they can air and heal.  I started counseling and the therapist has said that i need long term therapy.  She often looks and asks, ‘why not’, in complete exasperation when i tell her things that have happened and i say, ‘but it’s okay, i’m fine with that.’  I can’t make things into an issue if they’re not.  Friends have suggested counselling, thinking that my strength is a shield…but i don’t think it is – genuinely.  Being strong doesn’t stop me from having empathy and it doesn’t stop me from seeking it in others either.  Maybe i’m seeking counselling by-proxy for my friends, maybe it’s like fabricated-fragility born out of their own insecurities when they see how confident and self assured i am despite my hard times.  Or maybe i’m totally deluded and foaming at the mouth as i write this – who knows…

I cannot help the lessons that life has given me about men and their cruelty but i cannot ignore the apparent beauty of life when it stares me in the face…and i just love to smile and for some reason every day i feel like i have a little fire in my tummy that gives me the sparkle of who i am – who people know me to be.  I am proof that it is possible for the tiniest little flower to turn into the most self-reliant, kick ass wonder-woman of all time that is simply scared of nothing – nothing!

And so i will learn from my past, it would be stupid not to, plan for the future and dream big but, most importantly, enjoy the precious present.  This is the only true lesson i can take, the only advice i can give to myself.

The romance has grown, empathy exists, i am giving it a chance, what do i have to lose…although it’s going slowly…things will blossom around the Spring…

 

Hookers are not allowed to fall in love … i’m in love.

My word.  Here i am; slogging away at my business; living by myself; just passing life away by myself; meeting clients and thinking nothing of it; shopping; going to bed; getting up…just all of the things you do (dotted by a few things you probably wouldn’t) and BANG… i went and FELL IN LOVE.

Apart from wondering if i’d actually began to enter a monotony, which wasn’t my intended aim, i felt like i’d finally gained what i’d set out to achieve: independent woman; no desire for a relationship; certainly no need for a relationship; enough money coming in overall (more work needed to make the business do all of the sustaining and then eventually the providing of the lifestyle i dream about); the hard slog to physically refurbish the house all by myself has near enough paid off and i have a good number of decent regulars that didn’t make me question my ‘sideline’ quite as much as i used to.  Okay, maybe i hadn’t achieved full self-actualisation – but i’d pretty much set-up and well-establish the gateposts from which to enter.

One things i haven’t spoke about during any of my posts is my health.  Certainly my hotheaded determination, strength and drive has been a part of me forever.  However, the need for a girl to cut-off, like i have, and to be hardcore independent and ruthlessly disciplined and intent on ensuring security alongside the need not to rely upon anyone else…that always signals that there’s something else deep below the surface.  We all have out pasts, but this suggests something that is very deeply ingrained.

The bite marks; the cheating; the times i was left alone with nothing in the fridge; the times when i’d be thrown from one side of the kitchen to the other; the fists raised ready to come down and repeatedly punch; the surprise at what it felt like to be strangled; the shock at being spat at; to watch as my home was knocked over and my personal contents are littered across the floor; the emptiness of having your hair used as a handle for having your head smashed into the wall repeatedly; the look on the bank manager’s face when your account has been emptied for the second time; the knock on the door at 4 am and the knot in your stomach when you have to open it to the monster; being told you are nothing, that you are worthless and that nobody cares about you; the cruel sadistic threats; the being raped.

How do you ever trust again when all of that is inflicted by the most wonderful man?  If you don’t believe that someone can be the most amazing person one day and then wake up as a complete monster – i’m proof that they can.  He was the most beautiful person i knew.  He was caring, adoring and kind.  I’d been with him for 15 happy years, which, at the time, was all of my adult life.  I was 30.  He, i don’t know why, and he’d never done before, started to take cocaine.  I had no clue.  Neither of us had even touched a cigarette before.

The relationships that i entered into after that were based upon my own self-worth… i was treated coldly, without any compassion, respect and i surrendered to the belief that i was to blame for everything going wrong.  Each relationship reinforcing that the first second and third were right.  Then i looked round and tried to see what it was that my friends in relationships were doing right that i was doing so wrong.  Sadly, the answer seemed to be ‘tolerate’…they were ‘putting up with’ their partners.  Many said ‘compromise’ was the right word yet the only thing that they seemed to have compromised was happiness…they were just miserable.  I was bored by just looking at them, i didn’t want that for me.  Then in that moment cam the turning point – i actually started to think about what I wanted and desired more.

The damage had been done though – emotionally for sure, but physiologically too.  Your sense of well-being emotionally and how you feel really does directly impact upon your physical health.  It became a vicious cycle and that meant that i had to find more strength than i ever knew possible during some of the lowest points of my life and whilst in relationships with the cruelest men.

I got tough and one of the first things i learned to do was to stop crying, i no longer cried.  Sad things that would leave even a grown man with a quivering bottom lip just didn’t touch me.  I became a stone cold bitch toward myself.  A robot who could shrug off  the most emotionally fulled situations.  I always wondered how, after a night of arguing, men could just pour themselves a cup of tea then fall asleep – now i knew and i felt liberated.  I felt unstoppable – it was amazing, like i’d been given the best gift ever, no one could ever hurt me again.  The men i met in the future – piss me off and you’re out, simple as that and it’d be like throwing out the trash.  I’d give advice to my girlfriends who were just memorized by how, in their words, brave i was.  I’d text and end one relationship and be ready to go off out parting right after.  I’d tell them the truth about their boyfriends and their husbands because i knew exactly how they were feeling and why they behaved like they did – i saw all of the male traits of behaviour in my own.  It was so hard when i saw my friend trying to play games to gain back the attention of her man when the truth of the matter is he turned of his ‘give-a-shit’ meter a long time ago and nothing you do will ever matter…in fact you’re just making him feel annoyed and sickened. Sad but true.

I had so many other insights for my girlfriends true none of them wanted to hear it.  I’d be accused of not trusting men and not being able to open up.  No honies…i am not the distrusting – they are the untrustworthy.   One by one i watched their marriages turn to divorce; their Facebook statuses change to single (AKA official), the court battles start over child contact arrangements.  They asked for advice and the best i could give is:

  1. be alone for a while
  2. put space and time between you and them
  3. acknowledge and live the pain
  4. be brave – braver than you’ve ever been
  5. be kind to yourself
  6. don’t panic – everything can be fixed in life, apart from death (cool the drama)
  7. be honest about how he made you feel and realise that you won’t feel like that again
  8. imagine the amazing parts of being with someone and promise yourself those … and know that they are coming!

Funnily enough, i never found that feeling again, that feeling that i had for my first boyfriend, let’s call him…i don’t know – Ben.  I’m 35 now and i haven’t even thought about that feeling since being with Ben, let alone felt it.  That feeling i’m referring to is, of course, of love and being in love.  I had forgotten that feeling with Ben because in the last months of being together it was just so traumatic and then i’ve just never felt it since – until about a six weeks ago…

Those five years, i just didn’t know i was lost.  I didn’t even know what i was ‘lost from’, if that makes sense.  I just knew that i wasn’t me anymore, that i just had to move in a direction and keep moving with no reassurance that i was even moving in the right direction.  I had well and truly arrived at the belief that i needed no one other than myself.  Then, was driving along and that feeling was there as if it had ‘found me’ and i remembered it for the very first time in over five years.  Magical.  I had found what i’d been looking for… or more importantly, i had realised what was missing.

So, even if nothing comes from this…so if we don’t decide to act upon our feelings for one another.  Or, if we do and it doesn’t work out…i gained something so valuable six weeks ago whilst driving in my car.  I know what exists.  I know that it can exist again.

However – i know how special and rare it is.  Most people get it only once in a lifetime, some people never get it at all.

Hookers are not allowed to fall in love.  I am in love…

That Favourite Client…

There’s always a favourite client.  I’m going t talk about him here.  What makes him my favourite? Hmmmm….

Well he doesn’t assume; he get’s his communication spot on.  Texting is important, he doesn’t over text; like he doesn’t text when he doesn’t really need to, which makes me feel like saying: hello, i’m a hooker not your girlfriend, now back off …yet he doesn’t lack text in a way that makes me question his if he is a neanderthal that has stumbled across a mobile phone:  “me…need sex – now” …that kind of thing.

He’s cute.  Something i can’t explain.  Shy but not insecure.  Or, is he shy…?  Hmmm, no, just quiet but in a nice reassuring way.  Quiet?  No, not quiet either, just sweet, what he does say is kind of amusing, but in an endearing way.  It’s just nice to be with him for that short period of time.  Just nice.  It’s not a struggle; what to say; how to say it; when to say it.  I suppose he’s… normal!  He just want’s sex.

He’s fit.  His hair, sounds stupid actually but it’s always perfect.  In fact, i’m always amazed that it’s still perfectly in place after we’ve finished the most heated sex ever.  His body is tasty, not like a supermodel but just everyday tasty – like just…yummy.  You can tell he looks after himself.  He comes to see me on his lunch and so i see the way he dresses in the everyday and he’s very smart and i like that.  He usually sees me on a Friday and i can tell i’m his favourite little treat; his little end-of-week reward.  What other job involves being such a super-sexy feel good factor quite like mine.

He’s such a good fuck.  Yep, i enjoy the sex as much as him.  We always have such a horny teasing session of foreplay … how he manages to take off his clothes in such a short period of time i have no idea hahaha.  The kissing and the teasing while i stride over him on all fours just before i let him reach down to feel how wet it is between my legs and release my big breasts from my bra into his face.  When the time comes were i whisper in his ear, “Are you ready to be inside me?” the fucking that follows is mind-blowing.

The best thing though is this, i always get that text, “Hi sexy, are you available tomorrow lunchtime?” … yes, we get to do it all over again; he always comes back.

 

 

The filthier the better…

I want to talk about men and filth.  Most of my posts log a journey but some simply stop by to make an observation along the way.

I was having a chat with my very best girl friend just yesterday.  No topic is taboo and we usually result to talking about men and sex.  She works as a lapdancer and is a beautiful person inside and out.

All of our conversations last in the region of one to four hours, resort to filthy language and  and erupt in hysterics.  A contest of who can be as flippantly vulgar with their anecdotal verbal reenactments from the night before or whenever the last sexual encounter was.  Tummy clinching, breach fizzing, witchy cackling laughter prompted by pure filth.

Anal sex. Ass fucking.  Why do men love it so much?  Basically, she’s been with a guy just recently and they had got it on anally.  Now, most girls think, what if… and there are a LOT of ‘what ifs’.  BUT… but that wasn’t the focus here…instead the focus was upon the fact that men, and pardon the choice of words here, just don’t simply give a shit about the potential consequences.  Even one eighteenth of the the way towards total fuck-up would equal total devastation for most women…okay yes it’s that over thought by the female species causes them to have their own mathematical formula for risk analysis.

I have to say this…and here’s what throws my calculations off every time, anal sex is A-MA-ZING.  Mindbowingly so.  Definitely worth bringing up my own personal risk assessment threshold cut-off point to twelve eighteenths.

But again…why are men willing to jeopardize the all eighteen pieces of that great big dirty pie?

“I reckon it’s because it’s much tighter up there.” she suggested thinking that saying it in a slightly higher octave would convince both her and me and we could settle the debate and expel the mystery…in an attempt to trivialise the very obvious attraction that men seem to have for anal action that is all the more mystified by women’s lack of understanding of their lust for it.

“No way!” was my reply.  IT’S THE FILTH.  Men love filth, pure and simple.  Their need for filth is actually multidimensional.  I’m laughing writing this but it’s true.  It’s the thought of what the woman is allowing them to do; something different; something ‘not meant to be’.  Obviously this is intensified by the fact that it’s something different and new, something visually stimulating or at least distinctly and technically dirty…all of which are important to men.

To make it even more vulgar and almost mechanical, void of the emotional investment that most women require during sex, there is no chance of pregnancy and so the act is of pure primitive need, or even right, to be sexually fulfilled.  This really resonates with men’s primal instincts showing more so that they naturally desire filthy sex.

Just to bring this full circle, near enough every client i see, no matter whether dominant, less so or in between, whether nervous confident, a newby or dab-hand, they all love filth.

You start off with perfect lipstick, hair and makeup but their utter ecstasy is to have you on your knees hair between their fingers as they hold your head, smudging that bright read lipstick by pressing it against their ready to explode manhood with a mixture of spit and pre-cum smeared across a pretty and attentive face that is peering up at them with mouth wide open…

The hooker rules I wish I’d known beforehand…

  1. always make sure paperwork is done before the deed and always accept with a businesslike and firm “thanks” and an assuming smile; remove yourself and the money from the room swiftly – then return with whatever persona is required removing that moment from your mind immediately
  2. lube.  always apply lube down there just before they arrive; water-based and fragrance free – not too much that it’s obvious but enough that makes it obvious that you’re not thinking about where you’d much rather be … you’re only human and you can’t get turned on by every man and i’d be lying if it didn’t become tedious no matter how fabulous you get at acting the pornstar
  3. know your clients well and maximise your day for yourself.  knowing which clients, quite literally, ‘cum and go’ and which ones like to take their time will help you to decide when to fit them in an on what day…not being ahead of your client’s habits can leave you feeling like you’re a slave to their needs and this can drain you of your days
  4. get economical with your prep routine.  it is essential that you set time aside to prepare for your appointments and you can never be late.  clients may NEVER be late for you – EVER.  get your prep routine off to a fine art and you’re on to winner, this is especially so if you  have more than one appointment in a day as it helps to perfect rule number 3
  5. you. you are important. remember that 3 and 4 are in place to suit you; for your ‘quality-quality-of -life’ purposes.  sleep.  before 3 and 4 are well-established you may not feel able to.  this is very important if you are also working a regular job or running a business (or starting one up, as is the case with me) alongside being an escort
  6. realise – there is no such thing as a ‘part-time escort’.  even if you don’t have sex with men regularly, the prep; the organisation; the going-on-around it all makes it so busy.  often, you’re as well booking to see three clients, each for half an hour, and spend just an additional hour overall compared to seeing just the one.  however, your professional job means you can’t spare the additional hour, instead it requires you to work a further eight for less than half the pay…THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PART-TIME ESCORT
  7. mindset.  this is a job.  just like any other.  you don’t have to talk about the technicalities of it.  neither does a nurse have to discus the the details of carrying out an enema but non the less it is a job.  carry respect for yourself in your mind every day and in every thing you do
  8. get hard. be strict.  the rule is: go in hard and soften up – you can never go in soft and then toughen up.  You have the right to say: i’m not available today.  you have the right to say that once and then to be left alone.  you also have the right to express what will happen if you have to repeat yourself.  this is not a relationship.  this is work.  be clear from the outset
  9. set your fees. never ever reduce your fees. always be clear on what will happen if anyone tries to suggest that you negotiate downward.  always follow what you say you will do in cases where this happens.  this does happen.  this is a reflection of the client, not you.  remember that there are millions of escorts with millions of variations of fees.  don’t waste your time informing him of his wide range of choice.  believe me, men pay for quality
  10. no means no.  say no at any time.  being paid does not mean that you have to do it.
  11. ask questions.  shortlist interview and observe in a line-up if you must.  despite who’s paying, you have the power.  trust me, there are more clients pestering for appointments with decent escorts than there are escorts desperate to find clients.  take your time.  getting a good number of regulars who you are comfortable with is worth its weight in gold
  12. ALWAYS follow your gut instinct.  if something doesn’t feel right – trust that it isn’t.  in the beginning, a lot of things don’t feel right and it takes a while to fine-tune that intuition and know the difference between feeling ‘not right’ because the whole thing is new and escorting is not exactly perceived to be the best thing to do and then ‘not right’ because you sense you’re not safe.  this gets much easier although the same rule applies …if is doesn’t feel right – then it isn’t.  stuff everything else – just be safe!
  13. mental health.  girls this is a biggy.  don’t underestimate the impact … single mum just getting by to high class mistress; it is fucking lonely and hollow at times.  looking in that mirror, applying that last layer of lipstick, i know what thoughts are running through your head.  i know what thoughts have run through your head before that.  we’ve all tread a different path to the same spot.  the rule is, be aware of the potential impact and, if you can’t cope, you stop because it’s not worth it – simple
  14. forget about relationships.  at least for the length of time you’re escorting.  never form a relationship with a client – unless you meet him on Witshire Boulevard … and then that’s fine.  never open up to future partners about your past as a call girl.  afford yourself a clean slate
  15. tell no one.  tell as few people as possible.  okay, this may be the hardest rule but at one stage in your life you are going to want to retire from being a call girl with little to no comeback at all.  i have told one friend who i know and trust with all my heart.  i too carry her secrets.  for safety reasons, at least one person has to know where and when you are meeting with a client.  on your head be it, if you tell that one girlfriend, who then tells the other who she thinks she can trust as much as the next one she confides in …

Call Girl Vulnerability

Call Girl Vulnerability
My first appearance 🙂 Copyright belongs to call girl confessions

Independence and survival are the two things that point a girl in the direction of escorting.  Well, most girls and me being one.  I speak for most when i say it’s not an intended career choice even if you do go on to see the benefits.  Equally, there are many hardships; some that i have spoken about and some that i haven’t.

I was fierce starting out.  A bit wobbly at first to say the least; wondering if i was crossing a line that i could no longer return from; panicking about my health and worrying about my immediate safety.  However, after overcoming the understandable worries the high is a big one and you feel strong.  Strong in the belief that you can look after yourself and that you don’t need anyone – re-enforcing the belief that took you into the direction of escorting in the first place.  I don’t need anyone.

I don’t need anyone.  I only have myself to rely upon.  All those times when men have treated me like rubbish, now i don’t need to put up with that.  Men are actually empowering me rather than destroying me.

Great!  I’m on top of the world!  Untouchable!  I’m also running my own successful business!  This girl is superhuman!  Then…then something happens to make you realise that you are human – a normal human, no superpowers.

I find out from a close friend that an ex, who i had no real reason for finishing with, and trust me these are the hardest endings, has lost a close family member and he hasn’t even told me.  His family live abroad and i can’t reach out to them to tell them that how sorry i am.  This is the only person out of the world and my life that i feel i could have married and had a child with.  Monumental for me.

It triggers something so deep within.  Lifts the lid on an explosion of suppressed feelings, experiences and emotions, ones that are not even attached to him, millions that are from my childhood right up to this day, this second  I’m ill.  Knocked down hard.  I try to look round to see who i can reach out to but there is just me.  I’ve created a world where it is just me.  I hadn’t counted on being a human.

I can’t eat, can’t think, can’t cope and can’t be…me – r at least what  thought was me.  It’s like i’ve been hit by a car and been left to recover all by myself.

Suppression.  Getting on with things.  It always comes back to have its battle with you; today, tomorrow …. whenever and without any notice.  Be sure not to create a situation whereby you are by yourself.

As luck should have it … in walks my knight in shining armour.  Warm, loving, caring and everything i dream about when i think of the perfect man.  He’s a friend who i’ve always had a very special connection with and has just decided to follow his heart and move from his home country to the same city as me.  Fate?  Obviously the friendship naturally became more and it has lighted up my life and, dare i say it, warmed my heart.

Vulnerability.  Off face value is seen as a negative word.  I am certainly scared to death of it.  Simply because of being hurt again.  All of the shit i have created is to escape being hurt.  But, in truth, i’m hurting myself every day.   Emotional and physical abuse create scars that run deep.

Opening up and dealing with it is the only way forward for anyone and to do that you make yourself vulnerable.  I’ve decided to let myself be vulnerable with this person.  I’ve learned that everyone, including me, needs someone.  That was so hard to write.  He has taught me so much already and one thing is that doing what’s right in the moment is okay.  I’m just going to keep going but allow myself to be vulnerable in the right ways and see what grows.

 

 

Escorting isn’t always Pretty…

Here’s something that’s never really mentioned much in the world of escorting…what about if you meet a client who is just…er…not just your ‘type’ but is (being polite) the direct oposite?

You learn a lot when you start escorting and you learn it relatively quick.  You learn quick because each lesson is personal and costly.  It can leave it’s mark emotionally and psychologically.  You can pick-up what i call the collateral damage and put it in your pocket, but it’s still there.  There can be times when i’m driving down the road and certain times will come and revisit me and not in a nice way.  I’m tough, emotionally, like a stone…the kind of person whose friends say has a swinging brick as a heart.  This is of course in relation to myself – outside of that i’m compassionate and kind. I’ve had to be hard to come through what i have and to and, of course, ended up where i am.

So, you can choose, you can pick, you can list you preferences and point blank refuse to see clients.  As I’ve said before, despite being the one being paid, it is the woman who is in control; money equal power in any case.  However, sometimes, meeting clients for the first time, and so in the early days, and especially when you’re still finding your feet and learning, you may find yourself in a situation that emerges whereby you just don’t ‘like’ that person you’re in a highly personal situation with.  You can’t always say why you don’t like them.  It’s not because they are being disrespectful or because they are a risk – because that would be a straight no but you just don’t like them and you can feel quite afflicted.

Those situations will only happen once with that person and you learn to avoid the likeliness of  them happening again but the fact is is that they have happened – and they do their damage.  I’d be lying if i told you that i had anticipated the extent to which this would impact.  I’d like to relive the feeling to explain to those who are thinking of going into escorting, i feel it would be irresponsible to paint the job as without it’s downsides.

The feeling is of abuse.  The type of feeling where the first thing you want to do is spend hours stood in the shower gripping on to the soap and pressing it over parts of your body time and time again; where you strip your covers and bundle them into the washer; pin open your windows to get rid of any smell, where you stand in front of the mirror and think about what you have become; looking deep into your own eyes and having no emotional resonance with what you see.  That’s afterwards.  During: sick; repulsed; time moves slowly; every sensory input is agonisingly heightened; there is no escape; suffocating; every fiber of your body is screaming for him to stop and you have to quench that urge right at the tip of your tongue because it’s right there!  Just take it from me, the girl with no emotion and award-winning ability to detach like no other, the feeling is horrendous – Horrible…. now can i stop at asking you to imagine daddy pig, plus perspiration, blob and squelch himself into a state of heightened excitement right on top of you  – YESSSS STOPPPPPP i hear you sayyyyy!!!  Okay – i have achieved my objective and really, there is someone for everyone otherwise we wouldn’t be graced with the wonderfulness that is Peppa.

Don’t get me wrong, some things you do learn to cope with, you do get used to like you do with any job or with anything in life.  However, there exists that line between tolerable and then well….just unbearable and the line is fine to invisible.  The lesson is to be more specific in the early moments with new clients and things do get easier as you get your regulars so to speak.  However, i do have to say that this is my biggest lesson so far and the biggest reminder that, despite how quickly you learn, i’m still new to this world.  Most definitely this is going to be my biggest focus moving forward.

The other factor in all of this is area, where you’re located or where your clients reside.  Clients like to meet someone close to nearby, that’s why most girls travel and stay for short periods of time in different locations.  Obviously this promotes the fact that you’re likely to meet clients for the first time hence opening up vulnerability however the location has been chosen to avoid a certain type of clientele.  Maybe my next project might have to double up as a working girl’s holiday … it’s a good job that this work pays enough for decent counselling because at this rate i’m going to need it hahaha!

Buying a cake with sex money

It’s been really weird lately.  I’ve started to see the benefits of the money i’ve made from escorting.  All my life i’ve been watching my friends with children buy things without a care in the world.  I’ve heard them go on about this benefit and that benefit; they seriously have so much disposable income per month that they actually profit from having a child and only working a minimum number of hours.  There i am working 70 plus hours per week, accessorising the hell out of a wardrobe, to the point of some days choosing just not even bother hahaha, getting naffed off with a crap piece of toast so learning to cope with one meal per day that usually constitutes pasta when i drop through the door at half ten at night.

I’d love to give them the honest reply when they ask me how i seem to keep so slim when they can’t …  i have to actually ‘do’ my supermarket shop and spend time worrying about how to pay for it (let alone be able to afford the food itself) – it doesn’t get delivered to my door.  But of course no one is as tired and as hard done to as them because they have a child, so i keep my mouth closed and just continue loving them as my best buddies in silence instead because that’s just what we do.

But!!!  But the shopping they do – they, my friends, they just go out and buy, there’s no pause, not thought, it’s just: i need so i get… i’ve always yearned for that.  Being single and childless and working full time with a career does not pay off.    The looking at the menu and just choosing what they want because they like the food that they like.  Me, i -choose the food because it will bring the overall bill down that i will inevitably have to pay a shared portion of.  Because they get so much financial help for the child they will go all out, no expenses sparred for them and i’m thinking – jeepers, this child’s bill for one meal is more than what i spend on a week’s shop.  I’m not being mean or judgmental of people claiming benefits at all – this is the reality: in this situation, they ate well and i went home, carried on working my ass off and  lived off tinned celery soup for three days.

Any way – NOT ANY MORE.  For the first time in my life, i spent money on what i needed, as i needed it…without worry.  I’ve busted a gut working five jobs at a time to get a first class honors degree then working as a professional at the top of my game and the only time i’ve ever been able to buy what i need without any worry is when i – SELL MY SELF FOR SEX.  What the hell does that say.  Don’t bother working hard and getting qualified – have a child or be a hooker!!  Yayyyy, of all the lessons i’ve learned, though all of my insightful lectures and thesis writing – THIS IS THE MOST ENLIGHTENING.  *BE*A*HOOKER* and you don’t have to eat celery soup ever again.

Anyway, funny as it may seem, i was sat in the cafe with my little niece and her mummy, my sister.  Surrounded by other mummies with their little ones, grandmas and families all enjoying the nice weather on a little break in the sun.  We were at the seaside, the promenade dotted with little cafes and shops.  I decided to treat my niece and her mummy, lets order cake and tea, sandwiches; whatever we fancy really.  As we sat there with afternoon tea cakes on saucers i couldn’t help but contrast the prettily iced, with a smooth glazed cherry on the top, bun with the task that i had undertaken to pay for it.  I looked round and looked at the mundane mumminess – to me there was nothing yummy mummy about it.  Benefits … they can have, i’d rather have the financial benefits of fucking their bored husbands.  Oh the sweet taste of kama and just deserts; i thought as i plucked that juicy cherry from the cake and felt it pop in my mouth…now that’s how i enjoy making my money.