Am i doing the right thing..?

Am i making an irreversible mistake?  Will this stop me from perusing my professional career?  What’s more – do i even want to pursue my career?  What if people find out, will it ruin my relationship with those that i know and love?

I’m talking about becoming a call girl; a hooker; a prostitute.  There is so much stigma surrounding this title.  It’s the 21st century and this is one of the longest standing work, yet it is still so taboo.  Is it because it involves women being independent and making money from men?  I’m not trying to rationalise this but i have given it lots of thought, as anyone would.  But, think about it, what a person gets up to behind closed doors is their business only, providing it’s consensual.  Sex isn’t a dirty word.  Sex is natural and something to be enjoyed.  The issue comes with taking money.  But, again, what happens after, of before sex, really is nothing to do with anyone else, providing it’s all legal…it might not even have anything to do with the sex that becomes before or after it.

I opened a letter last week – a court summons, i was to appear in front of the judge, time and date stated.  Unpaid council tax, i wasn’t even aware that i’d missed a payment and i hadn’t even received a reminder.  With the threat of wiping out my credit rating hanging over me, i had to use my credit card to make a lump sum payment and that included the court fee.  I could have cried.  I couldn’t even muster the energy to ask why i hadn’t received a warning letter…they knew what they were doing – capitalising on fines and being economical with facts about how to get help with such costs.

It was a sad moment, i was sat there just rereading the letter.  I’d moved into my own house seven months ago but recently lost my job.  I’m now two months into setting up my own business and it’s tough, as it is for anyone.   The owner of the company i worked for decided to make it even more difficult, paying for bullies to serve me solicitor’s letters, hiring ‘private detectives’ and calling all of my clients to badmouth me on an epic scale.  I live alone with no one to meet me half-way with bills, a mortgage to pay and a car to maintain.  I don’t have a partner to talk to or share my worries with, it’s just me.

I’d moved away to be nearer t my then job.  Now, i was alone, struggling and scared.  The house needed a lot of work on it and still does.  I can’t afford to pay anyone to help me so i’ve been learning how to do as much of the renovations by myself.  I’ve learned how to plaster, among many other skills, and the house is slowly starting to take shape.  However, the materials needed even to to do work myself are so expensive.  It’s a constant battle with my conscience: you should be working on the business when you’re working on the house and you should be working on the house when you’re working on the business…endless.  I never feel like i’m achieving anything apart from tiring myself out.

Its been hard these past few months with winter quickly approaching and I’ve not been able to afford to have the heating on.  I received a letter from my energy supplier last month telling me that my monthly direct debit payments will be doubled.  It’s difficult to concentrate when you’re so cold your fingers can no longer type and no amount of breathing into your cupped hands makes a difference.  With a deficit for a disposable income, meals consist of microwavable white rice with a bit of seasoning.  Going out for lunch is always a test to spot the cheapest meal on the menu teamed with a feeble attempt to cover-up with a: ‘i’m not really all that hungry’ story.  It’s okay to wonder off with the receipt to offset against my income but when your expenses started to supersede your income in the first income it’s a little like being thankful for a jumper in the Maldives.

There are people far worse off than me, i know this.  However, does that mean i should say no to every opportunity to make my life easier and will my suffering help them in any way…? Again, this is not an attempt to rationalise but I’ve worked so hard all of my life I’ve never had any help from the state, worked 60 plus hours per week and here i am breathing into my cupped hands.  Hahaha…character building; part of a journey; something to look back on in the future and feel grateful – or silly for not taking the opportunity to make life better for myself?

I want to spend more time with my family and i want just a little bit of a disposable income to actually ‘live’.  Having a supplementary income will reduce the pressure and allow me to focus upon making my business a success.  Securing a stable future is so important when it’s just you on your own.  There’s no one to make pension or investment plans with to try and make the future look a little less daunting.  I don’t have children, but i really can’t say that this makes me any better off than my friends who don’t work and do have a family.  They’re the ones who can afford huge weekly food shops, fresh healthy produce and to have the heating on full constantly.  I’m not judging i’m just stating the obvious.  I love watching my friends caring for and nurturing their families and it is my decision not to have children.

I’m a professional and want to work hard but need the money to do so.  As i say, i have done lots of thinking and today has been no different.  Any creeping thoughts of ditching this call girl idea were immediately extinguished by a call from the mechanic to tell me my service bill would be £500.  Pretty hefty given the fact i can’t afford to top it up with diesel and the fact that needing to get from A to B for my work is the only thing that is allowing me to part with my credit card at the kiosk – that and a very large gulp!  I feel like a fraud paying on credit, like i don’t deserve to be able to drive my nice car, which s a shame given how hard i’ve always worked.

I’m an honors student with excellence scholarships, i really have worked hard and made some remarkable achievements.  But i don’t feel like i want to continue down this particular career path.  I really want a complete change from the harsh, restrictive and suffocating sector i’m currently in.  I want to be free and pursue a line of work that will offer me a new perspective.  I adore management, leadership, mentoring, inspiring and public speaking.

All in all i’ve chosen to start living my life.  I’ve had so many sleepless nights, tonight included as i write this at 5am having not slept yet.  I’ve made my decision and i won’t deny that writing that just made my heart flutter.

 

 

 

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