Call Girl Vulnerability

Call Girl Vulnerability
My first appearance 🙂 Copyright belongs to call girl confessions

Independence and survival are the two things that point a girl in the direction of escorting.  Well, most girls and me being one.  I speak for most when i say it’s not an intended career choice even if you do go on to see the benefits.  Equally, there are many hardships; some that i have spoken about and some that i haven’t.

I was fierce starting out.  A bit wobbly at first to say the least; wondering if i was crossing a line that i could no longer return from; panicking about my health and worrying about my immediate safety.  However, after overcoming the understandable worries the high is a big one and you feel strong.  Strong in the belief that you can look after yourself and that you don’t need anyone – re-enforcing the belief that took you into the direction of escorting in the first place.  I don’t need anyone.

I don’t need anyone.  I only have myself to rely upon.  All those times when men have treated me like rubbish, now i don’t need to put up with that.  Men are actually empowering me rather than destroying me.

Great!  I’m on top of the world!  Untouchable!  I’m also running my own successful business!  This girl is superhuman!  Then…then something happens to make you realise that you are human – a normal human, no superpowers.

I find out from a close friend that an ex, who i had no real reason for finishing with, and trust me these are the hardest endings, has lost a close family member and he hasn’t even told me.  His family live abroad and i can’t reach out to them to tell them that how sorry i am.  This is the only person out of the world and my life that i feel i could have married and had a child with.  Monumental for me.

It triggers something so deep within.  Lifts the lid on an explosion of suppressed feelings, experiences and emotions, ones that are not even attached to him, millions that are from my childhood right up to this day, this second  I’m ill.  Knocked down hard.  I try to look round to see who i can reach out to but there is just me.  I’ve created a world where it is just me.  I hadn’t counted on being a human.

I can’t eat, can’t think, can’t cope and can’t be…me – r at least what  thought was me.  It’s like i’ve been hit by a car and been left to recover all by myself.

Suppression.  Getting on with things.  It always comes back to have its battle with you; today, tomorrow …. whenever and without any notice.  Be sure not to create a situation whereby you are by yourself.

As luck should have it … in walks my knight in shining armour.  Warm, loving, caring and everything i dream about when i think of the perfect man.  He’s a friend who i’ve always had a very special connection with and has just decided to follow his heart and move from his home country to the same city as me.  Fate?  Obviously the friendship naturally became more and it has lighted up my life and, dare i say it, warmed my heart.

Vulnerability.  Off face value is seen as a negative word.  I am certainly scared to death of it.  Simply because of being hurt again.  All of the shit i have created is to escape being hurt.  But, in truth, i’m hurting myself every day.   Emotional and physical abuse create scars that run deep.

Opening up and dealing with it is the only way forward for anyone and to do that you make yourself vulnerable.  I’ve decided to let myself be vulnerable with this person.  I’ve learned that everyone, including me, needs someone.  That was so hard to write.  He has taught me so much already and one thing is that doing what’s right in the moment is okay.  I’m just going to keep going but allow myself to be vulnerable in the right ways and see what grows.

 

 

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