The hooker rules I wish I’d known beforehand…

  1. always make sure paperwork is done before the deed and always accept with a businesslike and firm “thanks” and an assuming smile; remove yourself and the money from the room swiftly – then return with whatever persona is required removing that moment from your mind immediately
  2. lube.  always apply lube down there just before they arrive; water-based and fragrance free – not too much that it’s obvious but enough that makes it obvious that you’re not thinking about where you’d much rather be … you’re only human and you can’t get turned on by every man and i’d be lying if it didn’t become tedious no matter how fabulous you get at acting the pornstar
  3. know your clients well and maximise your day for yourself.  knowing which clients, quite literally, ‘cum and go’ and which ones like to take their time will help you to decide when to fit them in an on what day…not being ahead of your client’s habits can leave you feeling like you’re a slave to their needs and this can drain you of your days
  4. get economical with your prep routine.  it is essential that you set time aside to prepare for your appointments and you can never be late.  clients may NEVER be late for you – EVER.  get your prep routine off to a fine art and you’re on to winner, this is especially so if you  have more than one appointment in a day as it helps to perfect rule number 3
  5. you. you are important. remember that 3 and 4 are in place to suit you; for your ‘quality-quality-of -life’ purposes.  sleep.  before 3 and 4 are well-established you may not feel able to.  this is very important if you are also working a regular job or running a business (or starting one up, as is the case with me) alongside being an escort
  6. realise – there is no such thing as a ‘part-time escort’.  even if you don’t have sex with men regularly, the prep; the organisation; the going-on-around it all makes it so busy.  often, you’re as well booking to see three clients, each for half an hour, and spend just an additional hour overall compared to seeing just the one.  however, your professional job means you can’t spare the additional hour, instead it requires you to work a further eight for less than half the pay…THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PART-TIME ESCORT
  7. mindset.  this is a job.  just like any other.  you don’t have to talk about the technicalities of it.  neither does a nurse have to discus the the details of carrying out an enema but non the less it is a job.  carry respect for yourself in your mind every day and in every thing you do
  8. get hard. be strict.  the rule is: go in hard and soften up – you can never go in soft and then toughen up.  You have the right to say: i’m not available today.  you have the right to say that once and then to be left alone.  you also have the right to express what will happen if you have to repeat yourself.  this is not a relationship.  this is work.  be clear from the outset
  9. set your fees. never ever reduce your fees. always be clear on what will happen if anyone tries to suggest that you negotiate downward.  always follow what you say you will do in cases where this happens.  this does happen.  this is a reflection of the client, not you.  remember that there are millions of escorts with millions of variations of fees.  don’t waste your time informing him of his wide range of choice.  believe me, men pay for quality
  10. no means no.  say no at any time.  being paid does not mean that you have to do it.
  11. ask questions.  shortlist interview and observe in a line-up if you must.  despite who’s paying, you have the power.  trust me, there are more clients pestering for appointments with decent escorts than there are escorts desperate to find clients.  take your time.  getting a good number of regulars who you are comfortable with is worth its weight in gold
  12. ALWAYS follow your gut instinct.  if something doesn’t feel right – trust that it isn’t.  in the beginning, a lot of things don’t feel right and it takes a while to fine-tune that intuition and know the difference between feeling ‘not right’ because the whole thing is new and escorting is not exactly perceived to be the best thing to do and then ‘not right’ because you sense you’re not safe.  this gets much easier although the same rule applies …if is doesn’t feel right – then it isn’t.  stuff everything else – just be safe!
  13. mental health.  girls this is a biggy.  don’t underestimate the impact … single mum just getting by to high class mistress; it is fucking lonely and hollow at times.  looking in that mirror, applying that last layer of lipstick, i know what thoughts are running through your head.  i know what thoughts have run through your head before that.  we’ve all tread a different path to the same spot.  the rule is, be aware of the potential impact and, if you can’t cope, you stop because it’s not worth it – simple
  14. forget about relationships.  at least for the length of time you’re escorting.  never form a relationship with a client – unless you meet him on Witshire Boulevard … and then that’s fine.  never open up to future partners about your past as a call girl.  afford yourself a clean slate
  15. tell no one.  tell as few people as possible.  okay, this may be the hardest rule but at one stage in your life you are going to want to retire from being a call girl with little to no comeback at all.  i have told one friend who i know and trust with all my heart.  i too carry her secrets.  for safety reasons, at least one person has to know where and when you are meeting with a client.  on your head be it, if you tell that one girlfriend, who then tells the other who she thinks she can trust as much as the next one she confides in …
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