Hookers are not allowed to fall in love … i’m in love.

My word.  Here i am; slogging away at my business; living by myself; just passing life away by myself; meeting clients and thinking nothing of it; shopping; going to bed; getting up…just all of the things you do (dotted by a few things you probably wouldn’t) and BANG… i went and FELL IN LOVE.

Apart from wondering if i’d actually began to enter a monotony, which wasn’t my intended aim, i felt like i’d finally gained what i’d set out to achieve: independent woman; no desire for a relationship; certainly no need for a relationship; enough money coming in overall (more work needed to make the business do all of the sustaining and then eventually the providing of the lifestyle i dream about); the hard slog to physically refurbish the house all by myself has near enough paid off and i have a good number of decent regulars that didn’t make me question my ‘sideline’ quite as much as i used to.  Okay, maybe i hadn’t achieved full self-actualisation – but i’d pretty much set-up and well-establish the gateposts from which to enter.

One things i haven’t spoke about during any of my posts is my health.  Certainly my hotheaded determination, strength and drive has been a part of me forever.  However, the need for a girl to cut-off, like i have, and to be hardcore independent and ruthlessly disciplined and intent on ensuring security alongside the need not to rely upon anyone else…that always signals that there’s something else deep below the surface.  We all have out pasts, but this suggests something that is very deeply ingrained.

The bite marks; the cheating; the times i was left alone with nothing in the fridge; the times when i’d be thrown from one side of the kitchen to the other; the fists raised ready to come down and repeatedly punch; the surprise at what it felt like to be strangled; the shock at being spat at; to watch as my home was knocked over and my personal contents are littered across the floor; the emptiness of having your hair used as a handle for having your head smashed into the wall repeatedly; the look on the bank manager’s face when your account has been emptied for the second time; the knock on the door at 4 am and the knot in your stomach when you have to open it to the monster; being told you are nothing, that you are worthless and that nobody cares about you; the cruel sadistic threats; the being raped.

How do you ever trust again when all of that is inflicted by the most wonderful man?  If you don’t believe that someone can be the most amazing person one day and then wake up as a complete monster – i’m proof that they can.  He was the most beautiful person i knew.  He was caring, adoring and kind.  I’d been with him for 15 happy years, which, at the time, was all of my adult life.  I was 30.  He, i don’t know why, and he’d never done before, started to take cocaine.  I had no clue.  Neither of us had even touched a cigarette before.

The relationships that i entered into after that were based upon my own self-worth… i was treated coldly, without any compassion, respect and i surrendered to the belief that i was to blame for everything going wrong.  Each relationship reinforcing that the first second and third were right.  Then i looked round and tried to see what it was that my friends in relationships were doing right that i was doing so wrong.  Sadly, the answer seemed to be ‘tolerate’…they were ‘putting up with’ their partners.  Many said ‘compromise’ was the right word yet the only thing that they seemed to have compromised was happiness…they were just miserable.  I was bored by just looking at them, i didn’t want that for me.  Then in that moment cam the turning point – i actually started to think about what I wanted and desired more.

The damage had been done though – emotionally for sure, but physiologically too.  Your sense of well-being emotionally and how you feel really does directly impact upon your physical health.  It became a vicious cycle and that meant that i had to find more strength than i ever knew possible during some of the lowest points of my life and whilst in relationships with the cruelest men.

I got tough and one of the first things i learned to do was to stop crying, i no longer cried.  Sad things that would leave even a grown man with a quivering bottom lip just didn’t touch me.  I became a stone cold bitch toward myself.  A robot who could shrug off  the most emotionally fulled situations.  I always wondered how, after a night of arguing, men could just pour themselves a cup of tea then fall asleep – now i knew and i felt liberated.  I felt unstoppable – it was amazing, like i’d been given the best gift ever, no one could ever hurt me again.  The men i met in the future – piss me off and you’re out, simple as that and it’d be like throwing out the trash.  I’d give advice to my girlfriends who were just memorized by how, in their words, brave i was.  I’d text and end one relationship and be ready to go off out parting right after.  I’d tell them the truth about their boyfriends and their husbands because i knew exactly how they were feeling and why they behaved like they did – i saw all of the male traits of behaviour in my own.  It was so hard when i saw my friend trying to play games to gain back the attention of her man when the truth of the matter is he turned of his ‘give-a-shit’ meter a long time ago and nothing you do will ever matter…in fact you’re just making him feel annoyed and sickened. Sad but true.

I had so many other insights for my girlfriends true none of them wanted to hear it.  I’d be accused of not trusting men and not being able to open up.  No honies…i am not the distrusting – they are the untrustworthy.   One by one i watched their marriages turn to divorce; their Facebook statuses change to single (AKA official), the court battles start over child contact arrangements.  They asked for advice and the best i could give is:

  1. be alone for a while
  2. put space and time between you and them
  3. acknowledge and live the pain
  4. be brave – braver than you’ve ever been
  5. be kind to yourself
  6. don’t panic – everything can be fixed in life, apart from death (cool the drama)
  7. be honest about how he made you feel and realise that you won’t feel like that again
  8. imagine the amazing parts of being with someone and promise yourself those … and know that they are coming!

Funnily enough, i never found that feeling again, that feeling that i had for my first boyfriend, let’s call him…i don’t know – Ben.  I’m 35 now and i haven’t even thought about that feeling since being with Ben, let alone felt it.  That feeling i’m referring to is, of course, of love and being in love.  I had forgotten that feeling with Ben because in the last months of being together it was just so traumatic and then i’ve just never felt it since – until about a six weeks ago…

Those five years, i just didn’t know i was lost.  I didn’t even know what i was ‘lost from’, if that makes sense.  I just knew that i wasn’t me anymore, that i just had to move in a direction and keep moving with no reassurance that i was even moving in the right direction.  I had well and truly arrived at the belief that i needed no one other than myself.  Then, was driving along and that feeling was there as if it had ‘found me’ and i remembered it for the very first time in over five years.  Magical.  I had found what i’d been looking for… or more importantly, i had realised what was missing.

So, even if nothing comes from this…so if we don’t decide to act upon our feelings for one another.  Or, if we do and it doesn’t work out…i gained something so valuable six weeks ago whilst driving in my car.  I know what exists.  I know that it can exist again.

However – i know how special and rare it is.  Most people get it only once in a lifetime, some people never get it at all.

Hookers are not allowed to fall in love.  I am in love…

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s